


Why?

by kriswritesthings



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Some Fluff, it get’s better, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-06 01:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14631675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswritesthings/pseuds/kriswritesthings
Summary: Yamaguchi never saw red lines before. He saw little reminders written on wrists and a date written on his knee once, all in black ink that could be washed off at home, but never red lines that he just couldn’t scrub off.Soulmate AU that whatever comes up on your soulmates skin comes up on yours and vice versa.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for anyone who is triggered by cutting/the mention of suicide.

Yamaguchi stared down at the red lines that appeared all over his thighs. He knew that they didn’t hurt him, but it felt like they stung anyway. Another one drew itself out, and then another.

He didn’t know why his soulmate was hurting. He didn’t know why they did this to themselves at midnight, every other night, for the past month. He didn’t know what to do to make it better, somehow, but more red lines appeared anyway.

 

  
The first time Yamaguchi noticed was when he got out of the shower. He stayed up way too late doing homework, but still felt gross from volleyball practice after school, so he decided to take a shower at midnight and go to sleep right after. The shower was quick, quicker than usual, and Yamaguchi was ready to collapse onto his bed after he put on his pajamas. He got out and started to pull on his boxers, when…

 _Red_?

Yamaguchi never saw red lines before. He saw little reminders written on wrists and a date written on his knee once, all in black ink that could be washed off at home, but never red lines that he just couldn’t scrub off. Never the thin, disgustingly scarlet lines that were strewn over his upper thighs. They were thin and short, and it could have been worse, but they shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

Yamaguchi went into school the next day wishing that, for a sliver of a second, they were somewhere more visible. Then he shook the thought out of his head, that could have made whatever his soulmate was going through worse. It was a selfish thought.

And they kept up coming for a few weeks after that. They’d join the ones that were healing and turning pink, but they didn’t stop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed, please comment any constructve critism and give a kudos ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Yamaguchi had enough. He didn’t want his soulmate to hurt when he could be there, and he wished for them to know that he was there. He was always watching the sickly red lines come up. Did they know that?

He jumped up from bed and went over to his desk to retrieve a pen like he had done a million times already. Sometimes he’d tell himself that he would stop it all, but then he’d get insecure and hesitate. He didn’t even know this person, would they be mad if he told them to stop? Would they do it more?

But tonight, Yamaguchi decided that he was finally, finally going to do it. He pulled the cap off the pen with his teeth and pulled up the hem of his pajama shorts to reveal another line adding itself among the collection. His hand shook when he pressed the tip of the pen against his freckled skin.

_Please stop_

His regular handwriting was already barely legible, but with his shaking hand against his equally as shaky thigh, Yamaguchi didn’t know if he could read it if he wasn’t the one who wrote it.

A red line that was drawing itself again stopped short, and Yamaguchi held his breath. He was ready to stay there all night to see if more red lines would appear, but they didn’t.

_Why?_

The words were long and thin, like the person writing them was of utter calm. Yamaguchi believed they were, until he noticed that the question mark was wobbling into the y.

_You’re hurting yourself_

The words were more legible as he pushed them against his skin this time. It was an obvious statement. 

Instead of an answer this time, he got another red line crossing out his shaking words.

 

  
When Yamaguchi found out who it was, he didn’t know what to do. He was in the locker room with most of the team, all of them changing for practice. Yamaguchi was facing Tsukishima, whose face was calm like usual, while they changed. Well, the blonde’s face was usually stoic whenever they did anything, so it wasn’t out of place. Yamaguchi envied how collected his best friend could look.

He pulled his shirt on and found his regular white shirt amidst the pile of clothes he had on the floor, which made him have to crouch down to the ground. He got it and pushed himself back up, but something caught his eyes. Tsukishima was changing, but now he was looking around the room as slyly as possible. His eyes darted behind his glasses, looking if anyone saw the way his boxers rose when his shirt brushed past them.

Tsukishima relaxed for a moment when he thought that no one saw, but Yamaguchi did. He saw the thin red lines that were real now, scabbing over and joining numerous thin white lines around Tsukishima’s thighs. Yamaguchi’s breathe caught in his throat, and he had the vague sense of wanting to throw up for the rest of after-school practice.

 

  
_Why_? Yamaguchi didn’t know why. Suga stared at him from across the bed in the infirmary. He kept on asking why, but Yamaguchi just didn’t know.

“It’s… It’s the second time you’ve thrown up during practice. Are you eating right?” Suga asked in his usual timid voice. He was anything but, but the third-years appearance was softened by his ashy hair and pale skin.

“Yes,” Yamaguchi answered. It was true, he has been throwing up, but he couldn’t help it. His stomach churned whenever he thought about Tsukishima and everything that he knew, and it was hard to control when it happened.

Tsukki…. his Tsukki was hurting, and as his best friend, Yamaguchi couldn’t do anything. It would reveal everything, that the universe has destined them to be together, and that Yamaguchi would watch when it happened.

“Yamaguchi?... Yamaguchi!” Suga waved a hand in front of the freckled boys face.

“W-what?”

“You zoned out,” Suga lightly chuckled, but as oblivious as Yamaguchi was, he could tell it was forced. “Do you… do you want me to call your mother? Or anyone that can take you home? I don’t know if you’ll be okay walking home by yourself, and I still don’t understand why—“

“I’ll be okay,” Yamaguchi interrupted. He didn’t want to be asked why one more time. 


	3. Chapter 3

He watched it like a movie, at night. It was cold, even with the windows being drawn shut and Yamaguchi being wrapped in about a million blankets. Despite the cold, though, Yamaguchi was under his covers with his phone light shining on his legs and a pen poised in his freckled hand.

There weren’t any red lines coming up tonight, thankfully, but Yamaguchi still watched. He felt something lurch inside him, like the universe was telling him to do something. Yamaguchi felt like a ghost as the tip of the pen pushed on his skin and began to form words on his leg.

_Why?_ He wrote. His hand wasn’t too shaky now, so the black ink was legible, but it didn’t make his why make anymore sense to him then it did to Tsukishima. It was Yamaguchi asking why now, not everyone on the team wondering why he was puking in the corner of the gym for the second time that week, or Hinata innocently asking why he was distancing himself from everyone.

“O-oh, nothing,” Yamaguchi tried to answer as calmly as possible when Hinata asked the hesitant question, but his voice betrayed him by cracking. “Just tired, stressed with school. That’s all.”

It was a good enough answer for everyone who asked, but Tsukishima never quite believed it.

_Why what?_ Then asked Tsukishima.

_Why do you do this? Hurt yourself_

_I_

But Tsukishima stopped writing. Yamaguchi watched his thighs with a held breath and trembling hands. Tsukishima stopped writing after his I, but then he continued with different words under it.

_Why do you car_

Before Tsukishima could finish his question, Yamaguchi was already furiously writing under the narrow words.

_Because I’m your best friend_

A moment, and silence.

_I deserve it_ , Tsukishima answered, finally.

Yamaguchi choked back a breath that was stuck in his throat, the worst being revealed. He didn’t want this, anything but this. Yamaguchi shoved a fist on his mouth to stifle a sob that was threatening to escape his mouth and wake up the whole house.

Tsukishima wasn’t supposed to be like this. Yamaguchi wanted to write back, he did, but his hand had a mind of its own. It threw the pen across the room, but was pulling the covers over Yamaguchi before he could cringe at the loud thump it made on the floor. He felt like throwing up again, but all of his limbs betrayed him now, so he stayed wrapped up in his blankets, thanking god that it was a Friday.


	4. Chapter 4

Yamaguchi knew that Tsukishima liked order. He liked routines that kept him in place, that made his hectic schedule seem sane. Tsukki liked knowing what to do and when to do it, because it kept order. Yamaguchi never knew why Tsukki preferred order too much before, but he began to understand.

It was always midnight, every other day. _Order_ , it was all about _order_.

The red lines were irregular and crooked, and never had any organization, though.

Yamaguchi didn’t know why it was the one thing about Tsukishima that didn’t have order. The only thing that was consistent about the lines was that they were always resting on his hip bones or on his thighs so that they could be hidden. It was regular, until Sunday night.

They came up on Yamaguchi’s arms this time, right around his upper arm and nearing his shoulder. Yamaguchi saw them when he reached over to his nightstand to turn the light off his lamp, when midnight passed and nothing came up on hips. He thought that even for just one day, it would be over. Then it occurred to him that Tsukishima without order didn’t mean any good.

Yamaguchi still didn’t know why. He didn’t know why he jumped out of bed and pulled on a random sweater draped across his chair, or why he shoved on a pair sweatpants from the floor at that moment. If you asked him why he decided that going straight to Tsukishima’s house was a good idea, when there was school tomorrow and Tsukishima probably needed all the sleep could get at this point, Yamaguchi wouldn’t have had an answer. But he wasn’t thinking straight, and he was afraid that if he was, he wouldn’t have done whatever he was planning.

 

  
So Yamaguchi slowly opened up the window in his room. He purposely chose the one that wasn’t as squeaky as the other so that it would be easy to get back to his room if he needed, but after carefully jumping out the window, he only needed to open the back gate in his backyard to be on his way to Tsukishima’s.

Thankfully, the back gate opened with ease and the neighbor’s dog was fast asleep, so Yamaguchi was able to start running down the backstreets to turn into the main one. Good thing he had his gym shoes in his backpack too, or else he would have had to run on the gravelly streets with his socks on, which was less than preferred. Yamaguchi then realized that he probably wouldn’t have cared either way, it was Tsukishima he was going to.

The thought of Tsukki only made Yamaguchi run faster. Their houses weren’t too close, which was why they always met halfway on the way to school to walk together in the mornings, but it seemed like miles away now. Yamaguchi felt every intake of breath soar through his lungs, which were begging for more air with the urgency Yamaguchi took to get to Tsukishima’s house. His legs were screaming in protest and his heart was bouncing around in his rib cage, but he just didn’t stop.

If someone were to ask Yamaguchi why, he would know exactly why. Because in that moment, Yamaguchi knew that he loved Tsukishima, was in love with him, and would do damn well near whatever he pleased to find him; no matter how much his body was painfully burning the energy he didn’t have and how he swore he couldn’t find a breath in the air to give his pleading lungs, he would run faster.

Yamaguchi was so close to Tsukishima’s house, he could tell by the one winding tree he always recognized in passing.

Finally, finally, he made it. Tsukishima’s house was like his, and Yamaguchi has been there so many times he could probably map out every room on a piece of paper. Yamaguchi carefully stepped around the house and opened the gate into the back yard, mindful of where he was stepping to avoid the volleyballs strewn around the grass.

Tsukishima’s room was in the back of the house, next to the bathroom and the coat closet, which only made Yamaguchi thank whatever God there was for his luck. He wouldn’t have to worry about being dead silent in the Tsukishima household.

So Yamaguchi tiptoed across the yard and stepped right next to Tsukishima’s window, taking a deep breath. Was he really doing this? _Yes, he was_ , he assured himself.

Yamaguchi crouched so that only his head would be seen in the window and tentatively brought his finger tip to it. It was too dark to see into Tsukishima’s room, but Yamaguchi tapped on the glass thrice.

No one answered after a few moments, so Yamaguchi tried again. If Tsukki really thought that Yamaguchi would let himself be ignored—

The window opened. There was Tsukishima, standing in his boxers and a tank top, hissing at Yamaguchi. “ _What_?”

He seemed to know that it was Yamaguchi who came, or else he would have greeted a stranger in his window quite differently.

“Let me in, Tsukki.”

“Keep your voice down!”

Tsukishima opened the window further and allowed Yamaguchi to jump through into his room, and soon both of them were standing across from each other on Tsukishima’s carpet.

Tsukishima looked cold standing in the middle of his rooms, but if he was he didn’t care to show it. The arm that Yamaguchi saw the lines on was wrapped around in a pristine bandage that didn’t look like it would have been covering any type of cut. It rather looked like Tsukishima pulled a muscle instead.

The crushing reality settled down when there were no more hushed whispers of being quiet. It was just Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, staring at each other, hard.

Yamaguchi had to swallow down the knot that was rising in his throat. “ _Why_?”

His voice shook violently and so were his hands, but the sudden surge of courage in his chest urged him to keep on going before he broke down completely. “I knew, I always knew that you were my soulmate, Tsukki. And, and now it’s s-so hard to find the old you w-when I know, and I’ve known this for so long and haven’t done anything about it—“

He couldn’t go on.

Tsukishima just stared, his stoic self ever present in his expression. Damn him. The only thing that gave the blonde away was his wobbling Adam’s apple, bobbing up and down as he tried to think of something, anything, to say.

“I—“ Tsukishima tried, but it didn’t work out as well as he hoped. Everything came crashing down inside once he attempted to choke out another word.

Suddenly, tears were streaming down Tsukishima’s face and for the first time in that night, Yamaguchi’s mind went blank. On his way there, when he was lying in his bed, his head was swarmed with what ifs and whos and whens, until it was all so jumbled up that he couldn’t separate one thought from another.

But mindlessly, Yamaguchi jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Tsukishima's waist. Tsukki was always taller than him, but Yamaguchi never really minded. He always had someone to reach the tops of the shelves in his house and someone to pick the prettiest flowers on trees Yamaguchi was too short to reach, and hugging him felt like two puzzle pieces finally fitting together.

Tsukishima didn’t hug back, though. Maybe he lost all the energy to will himself to move, or maybe he didn’t want to move, but he was shaking. It was a violent trembling that thundered through his body and into Yamaguchi’s, but Yamaguchi continued to hold on tight. Then the freckled teen realized with a start that Tsukki was actually crying.

He pulled away to look at Tsukishima’s face. It was streaming with tears and was an ugly, blotchy red, but Yamaguchi only wanted to kiss it better.

Instead of listening to his gut, Yamaguchi instead pulled Tsukki over to his bed, sitting on the messy sheets and overthrown duvet. Tsukishima was still standing, unable to do anything with himself.

“Come lie down,” Yamaguchi muttered as softly as he could. Like a ghost, Tsukishima nodded and lay down on top of his sheets, his hand rubbing his eyes like he was trying to rub away the evidence of his previous tears. A few spilled out when he finally let his head hit the pillow.

Yamaguchi let himself drop next to the blonde, unashamedly taking Tsukki’s hand in his own. His fingers laced through Tsukki’s cold ones, but Tsukki didn’t move them and let them instead stay limp in Yamaguchi’s grip. Yamaguchi didn’t mind, and instead moved a little closer to Tsukishima. He was freezing.

Tsukishima’s breathing slowed after what seemed like forever. Yamaguchi willed himself not to fall asleep until his friend did, so when the blonde did Yamaguchi pulled his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants and set an alarm for the morning. Yamaguchi could only imagine what his mother would do if she found his bed empty and window open in the morning.

Yamaguchi finally put his phone away and absentmindedly drew circles on Tsukishima’s arm. His breathing was still slow and he turned to his side, moving toward the warmth Yamaguchi had.

The freckled boy hesitantly looked at his friend, whose peaceful face was only inches from his. Yamaguchi pulled his head up to brush his lips against Tsukishima’s forehead, and finally let himself fall asleep when he was sure that Tsukki was out like a light. 


	5. Chapter 5

It took three weeks of Yamaguchi coming over every midnight for Tsukishima to finally open up about it.

“...Kei?” Yamaguchi hesitated. Tsukishima was facing him again in the bed and opened his eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you… Why? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but...”

Tsukishima turned to be lying on his back and Yamaguchi did the same. The freckled boy dragged his thumb against his soulmate’s wrist.

Of course Tsukishima knew what Yamaguchi was asking. He tried to prepare himself for the question, but even though he rehearsed his answer in his head multiple times before, his mind went blank.

“I— I guess… It gave me control. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around like a ghost, and everything gets so stressful that it’s hard to feel things. It’s like— It’s like feeling alive again.”

Yamaguchi didn’t understand, but he nodded anyway.

“It was getting a little better at some point, when I started really playing volleyball. Then… it got worse again.”

“Have you ever…” Yamaguchi began. “Have you ever wanted to… uh… die?”

Then he wanted to punch himself in the face. Asking Tsukishima such a personal question when he was just getting a bit better? Yamaguchi might as well have left at this point.

“N-no, not really… There was always something holding me back from thinking about it, I guess. Volleyball, the team, my mom, you… Sunsets too, I think.”

Yamaguchi didn’t reply, but he squeezed Tsukishima’s hand instead.

 

It took 2 weeks after that for Tsukishima to get help. It was Yamaguchi who convinced him in the end, and Tsukishima went to his mom about it. Tsukishima never exactly told Yamaguchi what happened when he spoke to his mom, but he could tell that whatever did happen wasn’t negative.

The week after that, Tsukishima was on medication. He was seeing a therapist every week too, and things were already looking slightly better.

“It’s like something got lifted off my chest,” Tsukishima said once while him and Yamaguchi were under the sheets in Tsukki’s bed at night. Their shoulders brushed whenever one of them shifted a bit. All Yamaguchi could think about was when they did the same thing when they were kids and had sleepovers, speaking in hushed voices about a cartoon on TV or about dinosaurs until they both fell asleep in Tsukishima’s old T-Rex bed sheets.

“What are you thinking about?” Tsukishima whispered to Yamaguchi.

“Just about how we used to do this when we were kids,” Yamaguchi replied. “We’d start talking on your bed and eventually fall asleep, and then your mom would come into the room in the morning and find us practically on top of each other, and then we’d go eat pancakes that she made in the kitchen—“

Tsukishima turned around started to lightly chuckle before Yamaguchi could continue with his rambling. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

Yamaguchi was too enamoured with Tsukishima in that moment to reply. He couldn’t remember the last time Tsukki laughed, and it sounded like music to his ears, as corny as that sounds. Yamaguchi’s eyes had gotten used to the dark, so he was able to make out Tsukishima’s face pushed against his pillow. He looked beautiful with the slight light of the moon wading in from the window and falling over his cheekbones.

“I remember a lot of things,” Yamaguchi ended up mumbling dumbly after a moment.

 

It took 2 months after that for Tsukishima to know that he was ready for a relationship. He gave himself time dedicated only to him, time to be able to control his depression and get used to his meds, time to allow himself to be happy, even though it was hard for him to believe he deserved happiness. Now he was better, even though he was still traveling in his journey to better manage his depression and find happiness in the things he loved.

Now he just had to tell Yamaguchi about his feelings. Tsukishima knew that telling him whenever Yamaguchi came over at night could possibly make everyone in the house wake up if he was loud with his confession.

So he decided to do it when he and Yamaguchi were walking home from school, right before they split apart to go to their respective homes. They always walked through the park as a short cut, but now since it was spring everything was covered in pinks and greens.

“Y-Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima hated the way his voice cracked.

“Yeah?” The freckled boy looked confused with his big eyes and slightly open mouth. Tsukishima thought he looked adorable with the blossoms from the cherry blossom tree over them falling around him, and one fell right on top of Yamaguchi’s head.

Tsukishima stopped walking and faced his best friend instead. “I’ve been… meaning to tell you something for a while.”

“Uh huh?”

Everything Tsukishima wanted to say left his mind in that very moment. Now it was pure instinct running his mind, which was why he grabbed the back of Yamaguchi’s next and pulled him close, kissing him so he wouldn’t have to choke on meaningless words when they both knew what Tsukishima was going to say. Yamaguchi kissed back just as intensely and they were in their own little world for what seemed like hours, even though it was probably only a few seconds of their lives.

When they pulled away, Tsukishima pushed his glasses back up his nose and smiled. It was a real, genuine smile, and he probably didn’t catch himself doing so, but Yamaguchi did. He thought it was beautiful.

If someone were to ask Yamaguchi why he jumped out his window to go to Tsukishima’s house mere months ago, he still wouldn’t know. One thing he did know though, was that he would do anything for his soulmate.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for anyone who read this to the end, and please know that CONSTRUCTIVE crtisim is always welcomed! More tsukkiyama fics on the way though, so be on the lookout!

**Author's Note:**

> Chapters will be pretty short, but I’ll try to update every day or every other day :) don’t forget to kudos and comment your thoughts!!


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